in therapy today i learned that perhaps the reason you're still on my mind so much–despite the multiple years that have gone by–is that there was a lot of remaining grief for everything that happened. and it's surprising and frustrating because it feels like that's what i've done nonstop: grieve you, think about you, scream, cry. but what's different is that i didn't really grieve you without the shame overlaying it all. there was the shame you left on me when you blamed me in 2017 for being too demanding of affirmation and emotionally manipulative, then abandoned me. i realize too there's shame i feel, and reinforced in subtle ways by you, about still being upset over what happened and missing what we had. still feeling the loss. not being able to just move on, get over you. i feel this shame when you tell me i could've just written you off as a bad person the whole time. i feel this shame when i tell you we had a special connection, and you respond that it wasn't uniquely special. in other words, i feel the pain of losing you, but keep beating myself over still being upset, that something is wrong with me for still being upset, and the feeling goes on and on.
so maybe what i need to do is to grieve you this time, many years later, again, now with the knowledge that i don't blame myself for all the hurt that i received. i grieve you again with the knowledge that i don't have to shame myself for still being upset over you. so what does that look like? it means a belated funeral for you, 6 years later. i will write a eulogy. i will create a shrine. i will grieve you, with abandon, passionately, lovingly, publicly, shamelessly, with utmost love for myself now and myself 6 years ago. when i miss you i will update this website, it will be a garden i tend over and over until the end of time, or maybe the one day when this will all be irrelevant.
todo, when i feel the hurt again